is it really true that there is no such thing as individual in our way of life…

oh no not again..some one may say…but thats wat i tell such people…how many ask themselves this question…try it urself…

Why do i do what i do?

well when i think of these 7 words i just dont know where to start and where to end…do i really know this…but then why do i want to know this…whats the problem with my life that i have think such imaginary things and try to find meaning in everything i am doing…

but thats where i question…if you dont know what u are doing..then why are u doing it…why?

atleast one should think on this…the thought would make u see things in a different way…today i am much more calm and serene and feel much in control…not because i know the answer but because i do live to a certain degree on my own choices….

this itself brings such a peace in me…makes me at ease with my surroundings…thats what i guess is the esense of being an individual…i have not left my job or my relationships…i still go to office every day and work with people….i still live in a way bound by obligations and relations and commitments…

but if u ask me i would still say i am free some where inside me…thats what is the challenge and thats what is the reward…being amidst the every day life and still smile about it…able to see it from the higher ground or from the 3rd person account really makes u see what u are doing…once u are able to do it then i guess its easier for one to look at urself and ask what does this one want…

i may rant about the whole thing about the individual and its way of life…but we still have to meet the societical commitments somewhere…thats where the whole crux actually is…being part and yet being out of it…being involved and yet being unemotional…

i try…i try..hope to reach a balance and make others see it also…

is it really true..what i do today and tomorrow gets decided somewhere else…

this is something i really find it hard to come to terms with…i used to feel that all my life things seems to just happen to me…and i just happen to be there and hence i ended being a engineering…i happen to be there so i ended being a software guy in bangalore (another one of those guys)…but then what about the times i decided to work and not study..did that not make sense that its was my decision and my choice…

well thats what i guess i have come to realize…its something i tell myself…and try to follow so wouldnt say have been following it..as said try to follow..life is meant to be lead by choices, choices that are sometimes seem to be ones own…but i look back at those so called choices and question…was it really what i wanted to do at that time…hind sight i guess…but truely the way things work in our society and environment i dont think we really make own choices…

when i look back now i really see that there isnt much i had really decided or choosen for my self..everything seem to follow…everything seems guided and told…what else do u want was the question always if i want to rebel…isnt how one should be leading one’s life i was told…

but then being alone makes u realize somethings amiss..thats what actually hit me couple of years back…

that was i guess one of the turning points for me..i realized that there wasnt any thing which i wanted for myself….desiring things for oneself and providing satisfaction for myself the lone individual that i was…wasnt something i was taught to do…being selfish is not a greatest of the virtues i was told…but being individual is not same as being selfish…by being individualistic you are just loving urself also as you love some one else…you do things which u as an individual would like to do…and hence make urself take consious choices…its very difficult not easy in the begining but very intoxicating…

now i do things that i want to do..not because the environment or the society or the people around me want me to do…i am not being selfish in this i tell them i am being myself…

so was this my destiny then…thats where i see the conflict coming in as its not always that u make these consious choices…

but then even if i dont if there is destiny or not…i do live by own laws…laws that i as the individual formed for my happiness not fun…so in that way some day i will be able to tell myself i defined my own destiny….

live has its own way of telling u that keep going on…there still more to me then what u think u know…
i am not sure if i am making sense here…but if its really like this then living and learning from life itself would be a journey worth pursuing and enjoyable too…

i have to ask myself then that am i really doing that…work is there…passion for work too…but is that everything…ok reading is also there…books like genome and freedom make u think out of ur day to day life but even then….off course travelling…this also opens u up in newer ways u may not know…like visiting rome last weekend…its an amazing feeling to see the remnicent of the great roman empire…its must have been magnificent, grandour…and now its all gone and in rubles…

thats life i guess…u could live in many ways…but broadly i think they actually come in three categories…one where u live within the circumstances…not even thinking about…just living seeking happiness in unrealistic things and not getting any…or being happy about things that dont matter that much…just live as the life is leading u…just go by the stream as they say…

second would be the ones who actually start thinking…questioning the age old wisdoms and trying not to follow the rule…they fight, struggle and try not to…here is what the difference sets in between the individuals…some really take the bull by the horns as they say…and move on to the third stage while others keep fighting the circumstances and surroundings and not being able to break the shackles…i think i am that this stage right now…trying…trying…not sure if i have reached somewhere or being out of it…but still i keep trying…i hope one day i will break out…

then i question my this so called wisdom and realize the third stage…when u get over this whole thing of trying to break off…there is no breaking off…there is no such thing as ultimate freedom…freedom is nothing but a state of mind…if you are free in your mind then circumstances and surroundings dont matter…if i am able to live in between the whole life and still be free in sense of thought and mind then i would have really transcended from my second stage to the third stage…

its seems too complicate to me at time…but then i have a tendency to complicate things…dont i…
may be its not that complicated at all…i say to myself now and then…keep living and keep learning…life would lead u to where u should be…

haven’t written in a long time…some how work gets onto me with so much force that it takes me some time rebound and do things i want to really do…but isnt work also part of things i want to do…

anyways…working in an IT company has its advantages and disadvantages…no fixed working hours…nice working env….young people around you…but then you can end up slogging a lot at times…

i really dont know where to take my blog…keep puting down what i am doing as most bloggers do…or just dont bother about whats my daily life but put down what i am thinking…

i think i will stick to my thoughts then my life…in any case i am living it…dont need to put that down to remind myself what my day was like…but puting down my thoughts would make it easier for me to read and think over….

these days i am struggling with routineness of life…its hard to get stuck with one where things are predictable and you are doing what u are suppose to do…having events happening around you with not much you can do about them…some how i hate being in these situations…its just not me to be not in control…

control…well thats a myth i tell myself always…its not something one can get in a life time…i strive for being in control of what i do and i subject myself to…but then life is not to be lead in controls but with instinct…this thought reminded me of the movie i saw couple of years back…’instinct’…it was about something similar…

then i tell myself this strive for control actually pushes ur instincts to the limit and then you are able to think about what u are doing and move forward…which in a way is good so even if i dont reach the level of control i want…i become more aware of my life and way its going and where i can make a difference…

long time….havent had time to put down what i have been going through….been checking out some of the blogs…interesting people out there…

i must say, people are putting there lives, thoughts out on the public space…looking for something…dont know if they are getting what they are looking for but yes its almost like keeping a diary and making it public for people to read…offcourse no ones knows who u really are…

i could see one big advantage of doing all this…u put down ur life and read it urself, it should definitely give u a different perspective of ur own life…should open u up for new ways and thoughts…

but is this really true? are all the bloggers really getting a better perspective on their lifes or is it just for fun?

i may sound like i question everything, but then there ought be a meaning…a sense of belonging and a sense of knowing what one wants and what one wants to do…a blog to me is just a path that may lead u there….i think i need to talk to some serious bloggers to know better…

there is something what i remind myself everyday…let me close today day with that thought…i read it in ‘1984’ by George Orwell.

‘Sanity is not Statistical’

think over it….

life is full of choices…
what u get is what u choose…
thats important to understand.

u get this when u think…
ask questions even when u feel…
but then people say why not have fun…
fun is temporary i say, it comes and goes..
gives you moments but not happiness..
happiness is permanent…
then one may say seek happiness not fun…

happiness is something no one can seek…
fun is something no one can control, it just happens.
one ought to get a meaning, a way and a passion..
its these that will give happiness a long last one too..

life will go one..its meant to be like that…
but i say dont do what one is suppose to do..
do what one wants to do, make that choice everyday…
to come to this one needs to think..
without thought, there cant be choice
and without choice there cant be life…

its all in the mind thats what i believe…
if you think you can then you surely can…
so bring out your dreams and think…
its never to late to start so do it then…

dont know where to start…
its feels like i should dream…
dream about the way i should be…
or dream about the way my world would be.

one has to be a realist thats true..
after all its a world full of pessimist..
realists are hard to find…

people live life as they are supposed to..
wat if i ask why do you live then…
i am not sure how many ask this as a question..
there is one who does it every day…
and there is one whom does even know what to ask…
but who is better…

i tell myself that you think…you dream…you ask urself why..wat for..
but these are the questions there is no straight forward answer…
then why do i ask…
again a why?

yet i think…hopefully one day i will be enlightened…
solace is a myth one may never attain…
but i keep striving dream and be a realist i tell myself…
anyways…to much sometimes makes me wonder…
after all life is like this only…
can one really control it then…