Dreams…

such a fulfilling concept…i am sure all of dream about things in life…they vary in degrees, serious and intent…some are more of fantasies…things we wish we could do…but then there are actual dreams…things we aspire…

some quoted a question once, whats the difference between aspirations and aim…to me aspirations form the dreams we have…aim is when these dreams and aspirations actually get concretised…this Concretisation of a dream into a definite aim is not an easy process…

for some it takes less time then others and there are others which never really achieve it in their life time…this is one of the fears i have….not being able to realise what i dream for….so what should i do for it…thinking over it i came to an analogy…

dreams are like ocean waves. They are free within the ocean and unafraid of its size. They are untouched and unruly and at the same time untamed and passionate. They go up and down…never stoping and never ending…just there in the vast ocean…trying to reach somewhere…no one knows where they start and where they end…but they keep moving…

These waves give ocean a life…they make the journey through the ocean interesting, captivating and enthralling…after all who would like to sail in a dead sea…the challenge for the sailer is nothing but these very waves which could even bring his or her downfall but then harnessing, taming and finally riding them would give him the ultimate satisfaction and the ultimate achievement…

Ocean waves actually hit the reality in the form of sea shore…the rocks on the sea shore are like society, environment, system anything and everything that is static…for the wave they are static…they dont move and dont go anywhere…they are just there to give the ocean its form and shape…

if i think in this way, i realized…dreams like waves have to strike on the rocks to give them shapes…and change themselves too in the process…if they dont change and hit the rock in the same way they would make in roads into the rocks but would be able to shape them….

thats what i see we also have to do…make ours dreams strike the our day to day life…make them conflict with our work, our relationships and our environment, if we start doing then gradually the dreams would become more realistic…similar to the waves the dreams would also undergo a change in order to give shape to life, to our environment and to our society….so when u test them with realty the dreams would strike a balance and offcourse raise the bar for u as a person but a realistic raise…moreover it would make it easy to define the aim out of the dream…so the aspiration would become aim and once it becomes an aim it would definitely be achievable….

thats i guess would be way to achieve one’s dreams…not sure how much makes sense…i myself have to do it to get them into a realistic form…

but one may ask what i mean when i say…Faith about what…here is list of things i believe consitute the actual faith…

1. Faith on one’s own self: This is one of most important faith one should develop in one’s life. i for believe strongly on this faith. It would be this faith that would stand till the end and help you when there no other faith to look at. This is not an easy thing, but if one really believes in one’s self then there isnt anything that should faze that person. its difficult but its the most cherished and revered of all faiths. I try and but still i would i have reached the level where i can say that i am eternal optimist..but still i keep trying to build on it…and make it stronger day by day…some people say that i am lucky to think like this as it definitely makes like easier to live by but then i tell them that i am not lucky…i have to work hard every day to be like this…now its not a big struggle but still i have keep my motivations level high enough to remind myself about it…

2. Faith on one’s loved ones: This is another aspect of faith as its based on love. love to me is one of most beautiful feelings to experience, but off course after a certain age one cannot experience it easily. It takes time and effort, and if some is puting in that time and effort for me as a person then i must say they have faith on me in some ways. This is a faith that is not some thing we decided but others decided to bestow upon us. we offcourse gave a similar feeling to other one, but we intern got faith that there are people who love me for what i am. This itself is a beautiful feeling i would say to have and enjoy. Offcourse people may differ here to me but there is thing that i would explain in the end.

3. Faith on one’s friends: First there is big set of people who are my so called friends. They are one’s i go out with, work with, and may be spend some of my time with. But I still fit them in to the Others category. For me the rule is simple Me, Myself and Others, the people around me move from others to Myself category when i start caring about them. The Myself category people are ones i like or love and would do anything keep our relationship going. These are the people i think about and give my quality time too also. In Myself i have the loved ones and then those few actual friends. These are the friends with whom i share my life with. They are ones whenever i meet them i always feel that i been with them. they dont complain even if i am not in touch with them. we meet, share and have good time together. To me such friends should give you a sense of faith being endorsed on them by you and offcourse by them too.

4. Faith on God: Last but not the least, this the one eternal faith i guess everyone’s has to warying degrees.

actually warying degree makes me wonder, every one of us divide the faith among the four components…not one is perfect but the combination of all of them to different degrees should give one the courage and strength to be able to handle and go through the tough times.

this is something i realised while having a discussion last night…

faith…in times when we are in doubt and full of problems, we actually have to go through them as experiences. But there is one thing that keeps us going and keeps us motivated to continue is FAITH…

i always believed that what ever happens happens for good…so today one may say that his or her situation is full of problems but i believe and have experienced myself also that these problems or situations are there to tell us something…make us learn…make us grow as a person…we should try to make most of them…and move forward…in the end once all of its over one could look back really see that all those experiences have been good for one…

for me its definitely happened that there were times when my career and life were really in doldrums…and there seemed no way forward…but i went through it…learnt about people who are really my friends and who are there for being there…learnt about being practical and what can be done and should be done…so as hindsight i believe that was a learning experience for me…

but the problem is this wisdom still does not help me when i am in the thick of things..when u are stuck u are stuck…its that simple…wat ever u may believe and know can help but u need something else to really fight it out…

To me that is where Faith steps it…Faith is the one that should give one the strength and endurance to stand through test of times…should give one the belief that things will be different one day…should motivate and give hope for a better tomorrow one day…

the sense of being free. One thing i realized in past few years that one neednt move away from everything in search of complete freedom. Freedom is something thats within each one of us.

Lets see the dictionary meaning of freedom:

freedom n. The condition of being free of restraints.

there have been times when people wanted to seek freedom via renunciation of our daily responsibilities and moving away from it. this way they preached one will be free of restraints and free to do one wants to do. there will not be any bonds, constraints, restraints and without living the life as the society wants them to be.

but thats where i choose to differ. for me freedom is a state of mind. one can be among all the responsibilities, presures and constraints and still feel free. Freedom is to be among your so called societically acceptable life and still choose and do what u want to do and know that you are doing it. Thats what i would say is the one of ultimate state to attain. the power to choice and an understanding about ur decisions actually helps you move towards it.

like today i feel ok, i am stuck at this position but its after my choice that i am exercising. it terms of my life and career i have to ultimately decide what i want to do and where i want to see my self as. One thing is for sure i want reach the highest level of creative satisfaction i could get out of my work and life. thats what i look for.

If thats the case i guess i have to make most of all the opportunities that would take me towards that. all those irrespective if the come in my current position or in my current way of life, if i am moving towards it its fine. Then all the talk about stuck up and not going anywhere doesnt make sense. I am not going anywhere could be in the sense as society and the world sees me, but i am definitely moving towards my goals. thats what matters in the end.

I AM FREE

and honestly it feels amazing…

i always tell myself, you would get what u deserve…but since this is not an idealistic world one has to fight it out…so destiny is something that is there but one will never reach it unless you really push one self to it.

but thats what brings in the thought and wonder….what is that i deserve…one can say money, fame and riches of the world…but is that what i want to strive for…i always believe being in the position i am that these things will come one way or another…the degree may wary. but how much does one need for a good living…there will be and cannot be an end to that…i want to avoid that trap…

if i look around i am success is measured by these parameters in society…so in order to be successful one ought to have these and to have them in as much more degree as possible…i personally dont endorse this view….then what to me would define my being successful…

i guess u really live life on ur own terms you ought to define ur own benchmarks and measure urself on them…no point trying to reach or strife for society benchmarks as they would not give that level of satisfaction to me as a person…

hmm, lets see…

a comfortable personal life where i am able to fulfill my responsibilities to a good degree…and able to achieve that i want to achieve in life…yes thats it…so that would my goals and benchmarks…all my life i would personally measure myself on them and see if i am reaching them or not….

in general the “going no where” has left me now…it does comes back once in a while, but i have spring in my step, to reach and achieve things on my own terms…in any case it never bothered to me what others thought of me…so why now and why for my own achievements….

why should i listen when i know…
knowing is bliss, but doing is tough
you go up and you go down,
but still one has to keep going on
what i do is what i want to do
forget the society and its people
u are one of them and be among them
dont follow but lead
lead ones way to eternity
set ur benchmarks and measure urself
let not then go down one’s self
keep going on, and keep going on
u would get the happiness, the true happiness
success would follow in all its likeness

i really dont know what i am doing here…past few days have been really dull and boring. the atmosphere and the surroundings are depressing. somehow i dont want to work hard any longer here. just get the feeling at the effort if waste.

but i have to move on and for that i have to work hard. focus is all that i can tell myself now, but the more i try to focus the more the environment and people get to me. seeing them just reminds me the control they are exercising over my career and life without being any compentency to do so.

i always told myself i am what i am because i have worked for it. now today some how the feeling fails to motivate me. self motivation can work but for how long i am finding out now. for last few years its just based on self motivation that i have worked here. i am really really finding it difficult to continue.

destiny is what i make of myself, thats what i used to believe and thats what i want to believe now. but somehow i am not getting the passion and vigour that such a thought used to invoke in me. am i getting tired of life, or life is getting better of me. dont know have to really push myself to come out and hit back. dont have the patience and energy to do that.

i think i have to pray….i am looking for passion and motivation…i have move on…i got to move on…even if it requires doing the routine work that is way below my expectations for myself…but i ought to look at it as the stepping stone to something big…its just the struggle or the path…i have chosen this and hence have to bear with it also…thats it…thats what i wanted to hear…i have chosen it

i have to get out of this mess fast….lets see if life throws up some surprise…i will wait for it…till then…its me and my struggle…

i am stuck…stuck in a job that gives me satisfaction in terms of work i am doing…but the whole environment just doesnt feel right any more…

money was never a problem, position was not an issue…i always strived for growth. i always told myself if i am growing nothing else matters. i worked worked and worked, got some recognistion, got good visibility, but then today i have reached a level where i dont see much future ahead.

dreams for my future…all that seem a little to far right now. dont know where i am heading to. why is it that life at the end of the day have to be meaningful, i ask myself now a days. i used to believe finding meaning of life, ones own life would make it more enjoyable, satisfying and gratifying. i am today way to calm about my whole surroundings because of that. but then i have to strive a lot to keep it that way, be aware and try continously to stay like that.

then u see people are around living as they are and incompetent, grossly over rated and still recogized by society as successful. i guess thats where i have to choose. be part of the system, be dumb about it and not question, flow by it reach a level of recognisition or keep questioning and doing what u feel is right and not bother about whats happening around.

the first seem easy and manageble as the problems that bother u are not ur future and ur potential and what u want to do but simpler onces like daily chores in the household to the next status report for the project meeting. these problems now seem too simplified to me, but to a lot others their whole life goes in trying to solve them and attain a level of satisfaction from them.

why am i not that simple enough…i wish…

but then the second choice makes life much more calmer and relaxed place actually. today i am way to relaxed about smaller things like deadlines and project reports, household bills and those things has to be do to maintain the lifestyle. but then i go into these bouts of disenchantment because the things that bother me are my dreams, my potential, my future and my growth.

they are too difficult to comprehend and understand while solving them comes next. thats what is troubling me these days, i tried to write down what i want to do really. Actually speaking those are the dreams if done would help attain my level of potential, provide me the empetous to reach a state where when i close my eyes and think about them i feel satisfied.

i guess thats the challenge and thats the reward…

have to take some days off now…its been a long time and work really gets to nerve at times…i talk about the routiness but its something not just in work….

let me just list down 5 things i want to do…

1 Start my own company – this is something i questioned quite a lot about…after all why do i want to do this…just to satisfy the creativity of my thought came the reply…oh in that case be careful my mind told my heart…as Amitabh once said so well…creative people should only concentrate on creative aspects and leave the rest to professionals…thats what i would do one day…

2 Write a book – i am not sure if i am good writer or not but will definitely try a hand at it…its such a powerful medium….

3 Read all my stack of books – i am an impulsive buyer of books but a slow reader of them…

4 Bungee Jumping – Wasnt in town when it happened bangalore…wouldnt have missed it for a thing…will do it next time…

5 Go to gym regularily – want to do this for a long time…its been off and on…i love my jog on the tread mill…its so peaceful…i am with myself…will definitely try to that regularily…

i feel if i have written it down now…anything else that happens around me should not really effect me…should it? as its not on my list…well over a period of time i would review this list and add few items or remove some…but i would try to remind myself on this…

is it really true that there is no such thing as individual in our way of life…

oh no not again..some one may say…but thats wat i tell such people…how many ask themselves this question…try it urself…

Why do i do what i do?

well when i think of these 7 words i just dont know where to start and where to end…do i really know this…but then why do i want to know this…whats the problem with my life that i have think such imaginary things and try to find meaning in everything i am doing…

but thats where i question…if you dont know what u are doing..then why are u doing it…why?

atleast one should think on this…the thought would make u see things in a different way…today i am much more calm and serene and feel much in control…not because i know the answer but because i do live to a certain degree on my own choices….

this itself brings such a peace in me…makes me at ease with my surroundings…thats what i guess is the esense of being an individual…i have not left my job or my relationships…i still go to office every day and work with people….i still live in a way bound by obligations and relations and commitments…

but if u ask me i would still say i am free some where inside me…thats what is the challenge and thats what is the reward…being amidst the every day life and still smile about it…able to see it from the higher ground or from the 3rd person account really makes u see what u are doing…once u are able to do it then i guess its easier for one to look at urself and ask what does this one want…

i may rant about the whole thing about the individual and its way of life…but we still have to meet the societical commitments somewhere…thats where the whole crux actually is…being part and yet being out of it…being involved and yet being unemotional…

i try…i try..hope to reach a balance and make others see it also…

is it really true..what i do today and tomorrow gets decided somewhere else…

this is something i really find it hard to come to terms with…i used to feel that all my life things seems to just happen to me…and i just happen to be there and hence i ended being a engineering…i happen to be there so i ended being a software guy in bangalore (another one of those guys)…but then what about the times i decided to work and not study..did that not make sense that its was my decision and my choice…

well thats what i guess i have come to realize…its something i tell myself…and try to follow so wouldnt say have been following it..as said try to follow..life is meant to be lead by choices, choices that are sometimes seem to be ones own…but i look back at those so called choices and question…was it really what i wanted to do at that time…hind sight i guess…but truely the way things work in our society and environment i dont think we really make own choices…

when i look back now i really see that there isnt much i had really decided or choosen for my self..everything seem to follow…everything seems guided and told…what else do u want was the question always if i want to rebel…isnt how one should be leading one’s life i was told…

but then being alone makes u realize somethings amiss..thats what actually hit me couple of years back…

that was i guess one of the turning points for me..i realized that there wasnt any thing which i wanted for myself….desiring things for oneself and providing satisfaction for myself the lone individual that i was…wasnt something i was taught to do…being selfish is not a greatest of the virtues i was told…but being individual is not same as being selfish…by being individualistic you are just loving urself also as you love some one else…you do things which u as an individual would like to do…and hence make urself take consious choices…its very difficult not easy in the begining but very intoxicating…

now i do things that i want to do..not because the environment or the society or the people around me want me to do…i am not being selfish in this i tell them i am being myself…

so was this my destiny then…thats where i see the conflict coming in as its not always that u make these consious choices…

but then even if i dont if there is destiny or not…i do live by own laws…laws that i as the individual formed for my happiness not fun…so in that way some day i will be able to tell myself i defined my own destiny….